On the Precipice

I learned this past weekend a very important lesson. When sitting in the front seat of the car and you hear the word yuck, followed by "here" do not automatically stick your hand behind you to receive blindly whatever is being offered to you. Sam was eating some fruit gummy bears and one most have tasted like grape because I got a handful of sticky wet gummy bears and no where to put them. I just started laughing because, really what was I thinking! Why he stuck all of them in his mouth at once I'm not sure but he definitely didn't like them.

Brad and I have really been thinking about the whole change that is getting ready to happen. We stand at the precipice of two very different lives. We clearly see the quite married life that we have come to enjoy and relish, and we see the life of a family of four. The family life is what we've wanted for so long, but we feel really comfortable with just the two of us. When the boys are around there is no us, there is just noise, energy and unrest. When we think about the boys here we are excited to help them, but we have to just trust that the acting out and disquiet won't be a permanent way of life. It would almost be easier if we hadn't had such a quiet, wonderful, and fulfilling life as a married couple. It's hard to describe how difficult this whole process has immediately become. We find that we are in mourning for the loss of so much, from freedom, to quiet, to not getting to start from scratch (child birth and blank slates). We have to come to the point where we are fine with all of the chaos that accompanies the boys, their past, the unknown, the acting out and the unbalanced parents.

Please pray for us these next two weeks. We are reaching out to people that can be good resources for us and trying to learn as much as we can about developmental delays caused by neglect. Brad is concerned about the change and my concern is are we really ready to do this and invest all of this change in our lives for two boys that we might not get to see grow up. But I guess that is the life of a parent, there are no guarantees and a whole lot of unknowns. I do appreciate the fact that I now know not to reach for the unknown if it's preceded by "yuck" and "here".